By Sarah Jane Ramsey
Young People's Press

I have been told that one writes best about what one knows. At the considerable risk of sounding cliché, this is what I have chosen to do.

It's difficult for me to write about violence against women because I remember the physical, emotional and sexual abuse I endured in a relationship. And with both a sense of comfort and horror, I know that my experiences have been shared by many young women worldwide.

Photo by Richelle Forsey Click on Image to Enlarge

I can relate to a woman's fear of an unwanted touch, a violent threat to her safety and the silence accompanying these experiences. And I can still vividly recall the feeling of being terribly alone.

I started dating "Robert" when I was 18. The relationship seemed idyllic: He was handsome, charming, thoughtful and intelligent.

It soon soured - but not before I had fallen in love with him.

He began to threaten and taunt me, saying hurtful things like "you are stupid," "you are ugly," and "you are worthless," and I believed him. My self-esteem plummeted and I even contemplated suicide.

I clearly remember the first time he hit me. We had gone to a beautiful (and expensive) restaurant for dinner. I thanked the waiter for bringing our meals to the table and as he walked away Robert got up and hit me in the face. He told me to keep my eyes to the floor and stay quiet while we ate.

In Robert's mind, I had flirted with the waiter - he was jealous and very angry. Upon returning home he threw me against a wall and hit me in the face many more times, while restraining my arms so I couldn't retaliate.

I went to sleep aching and alone; my arm had been fractured and my face was a swollen mess of bruises.

I didn't tell anyone about what he had done. I avoided my classes, my part-time job, my friends and family. I was deeply ashamed and frightened, but I didn't leave Robert. His love still meant the world to me.

We had built our intimate relationship on trust and love, but as the relationship progressed Robert began to sexually abuse me. He hit me during sex because, he said, it 'aroused' him. He allowed his friends to watch us while we were intimate. Robert felt he had the right to use my body in any way, at any time that he wanted to. I had never been so humiliated or frightened.

I didn't leave Robert. I thought I loved him, that I could change him by changing myself. I thought that the faults in our relationship were a reflection of my own failings. I couldn't understand why I wasn't able to satisfy Robert and have him love me unconditionally. I honestly believed that I was the cause of his violence - but, looking back, I can see that I was afraid to leave.

But, finally, I left him.

Halfway through a semester at college, I moved back to my home town. Robert phoned me constantly to harass me and he sent threatening letters in the mail.

I didn't know what to do, but I knew it was time to assert myself. For months, I begged Robert to leave me alone; but he refused to listen. It wasn't until I threatened to report him to the police that he stubbornly relented.

It has been 5 years since I left Robert and I am building a new life free of abuse.

I have finally gotten over the guilt, pain and humiliation I felt during this relationship. I have also graduated from the Assaulted Women and Children's Counselor/Advocate program at George Brown College and I hope to educate young women (and men) about violence in their relationships.

We need to stop the cycle of violence in our communities, because some young women may not be as fortunate as I was in escaping it.

Sarah Jane Ramsey is 23 years old.